"Just Say No"

Have you ever noticed that assertive people seem to have more free time on their hands to get their own needs met and, as a result, that they seem less stressed and a little more happy-go-lucky?  Why is that? 

Here’s a tip.  One of the most useful skills that assertive people have going for them is the ability to say ‘no’.  Think about this.  Have you ever found yourself giving up your own free time to chair the annual dinner organizing committee, or baby-sitting your neighbor’s cat, or shopping for a food item in Penang that your friend in KL has asked you to bring back, or attending your nephew’s kindergarten graduation ceremony?  If you didn’t want to do these things, why did you say ‘yes’?

Very often you may feel bound by obligation or fear of hurting someone’s feelings.  Sometimes you may feel that it’s simply nicer and more polite to say yes.  However, when you give in to these emotions, you’re giving up what you need in exchange for what somebody else wants.  This can be rewarding, but not up to the point where you take on too much and eventually burn out.

Saying ‘no’ does not have to be belligerent or intransigent, it’s simply being honest with yourself and with others and letting them know what you can or cannot do.

To help you make saying ‘no’ a little easier next time, here’s a few simple guidelines that you can follow.

First, be firm.  If you must say no, keep still.  Avoid body language, questions, and nods and  'ahas' that tell people you’re interested.  When they present a request, apologize and refuse politely.  If pressed for a reason, simply explain that it doesn’t fit into your schedule right now, and change the subject.  Most people will accept this.  However, if you are pressed further, then they are being rude.  Hold your position and repeat yourself, politely but firmly, so they know you’re unlikely to change your mind.

Second, offer what you can do.  So, maybe you’re too busy to work on the annual dinner committee, but you’d be happy to help out with decorations and cleanup on the day of the event.  In this way, you can still be involved, but it will be on your own terms.

Third, buy some time.  Rather than giving into your impulses and saying ‘yes’ right away, it’s okay to say, “Let me check and get back to you.”  Be careful that your response does not sound too encouraging.  People will be more disappointed by a later 'no' if they had expected a 'yes'.

Helping others meet their needs is admirable, but you can only help others to the same extent that you help yourself.  Honesty is liberating, so say ‘no’ when you must.