The Passive/Assertive Symbiosis

Assertive people are confident and proactive, generally drawing admiring attention from other people.  Aggressive people are belligerent with no regard for the rights of others and drawing, as a result, condemnation from other people.

In addition to the Assertive and the Aggressive, we have a third group of people – the Non-assertive, or the Passive.  Generally benign, they are not condemned to the extent that the Aggressives are, but neither are they admired to the extent that the Assertives are.  Passives are tolerated, generally accepted and, in certain situations, highly appreciated, especially by the Assertives when they promote their own agendas.

Passives and Assertives work well together although they’re quite different from each other.  Let’s take just a moment to contrast some of the characteristics that set the Passives and the Assertives apart.

Passives are more mellow.  They move more slowly.  Their speech is soft with infrequent gesture and intermittent eye contact.  Assertives are more energetic.  They speak and move rapidly and eye contact with them can be intense.

Passives take fewer risks.  They’re prudent in their decision making and, as a result, decide less quickly and address problems more slowly.  Assertives, on the other hand, are risk takers.  They often move forward on decisions made in a flash.  As a result, it seems that they take care of their problems quickly.

Because of their mild-mannered tendency to get along, passives exert little pressure on others and are less confrontational in their approach to others.  Because Assertives, however, like to get things done, they push people along, sometimes applying pressure when necessary.  When results aren’t achieved, Assertives are more prone to anger than Passives are.

So you see, Passives and Assertives need each other to get things done.  Assertives need the Passives to implement their agendas, and the Passives need the Assertives to get the agendas implemented. 

 

It’s a lot like your company.  Assertives do the managing and Passives get things done.  It’s a fine relationship, and we can all be happy with our roles.

Unless, of course, you would rather not be managed for the rest of your career.  And if that’s the case, learning how to become more assertive is essential for your career development.

The Thin Line Between Assertiveness and Aggressiveness

Most often, people respond positively to assertive behavior.  You can think of it as standing up for yourself and defending your rights and the rights of others, which most everyone will admire.

Generally, however, people respond negatively to aggressive behavior.  If someone behaves without regard for the rights of others, most everyone will condemn this.

But where do you draw the line?  When does assertive behavior become aggressive?  Is it just a matter of whether someone else’s rights are being infringed upon? 

Let’s look at business.  You may have heard of some salespeople described as ‘aggressive’, and yet, these people are very successful and admired.  What is it about their sales technique then that makes it aggressive?  One characteristic is persistence.  They keep on trying until they make a sale.  Another characteristic is forcefulness.  They are up front explaining how much their potential customers will benefit.  Another is persuasiveness.  They say just the right things in just the right way to make customers want what they have.  Persistence, forcefulness, persuasiveness.  Is this aggressive behavior?

Sometimes the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness is relative.  Let’s consider another example.  A bright young woman works hard to move up in her organization.  Some colleagues, embittered by her success, think she has stepped on some toes to get where she is.  Others, impressed, admire what she’s done.  So is her behavior assertive or aggressive?  Is there an objective point of view?  Maybe not.  In business, what may be assertive for some will be aggressive for others.  

This is also true cross-culturally.  In Western countries, like America and Australia, people may engage in what most would consider to be assertive behavior.  Were they to behave the same way here in Malaysia, however, most would consider the behavior to be aggressive.  Compared to some Western countries it’s relatively easy to cross the line between assertiveness and aggressiveness here in Malaysia.

So how can you ensure that you don’t cross the line?  Well, remember: Where the line is drawn is relative, so it may not always be easy.  To help ensure that your assertive behavior is admired by others, however, respect and stand up for the rights of others as you would stand up for your own.

How Assertive Are You?

Picture this.  Two standby ticket counters are open at KLIA, but the lines are fairly long and everyone feels like they’ve been waiting a long time.  You’re next to being served in your line.  But, just as the person in front of you leaves the counter, a man wearing sunglasses and a black business suit carrying a black leather brief case cuts to the front of the line and, without acknowledging you, places his ticket on the counter.

Now, what are you going to do?  Are you going to say something to him, or are you going to let him go?

There’s a lot to consider here.  On one hand, you’ve been waiting in line a long time and so has everyone else.  This man is infringing upon everyone’s rights, and as the next person in line, the default advocate for everyone else is you.  So maybe you ought to go say something to him.

On the other hand, this guy looks dangerous.  He might be somebody.  What would he say back to you if you were to step up to him?  He’s probably got a legitimate reason for immediate service.  Maybe he’s somebody’s bodyguard.  In fact, he probably works for the airline.  Better to just let him go.

What’s coming into question here is your level of assertiveness. 

Assertiveness is an attitude or behavior that that allows you to stand up for your rights without infringing upon the rights of others.  Non-assertive people may be passive or, the other extreme, aggressive.  Passive people will simply allow the man in black to go.  Aggressive people… well, they are the men in black.

As an assertive person, you recognize that everyone has rights – not only legal rights, but rights to individuality, to personal preferences, feelings and opinions.  You are committed to preserving those rights for everyone.  Your assertive behaviors are intended to promote communication and problem solving and you can deploy a variety of different behaviors depending on the situation.

Assertiveness skills are essential for business success.  The higher you move in your organization, the more you become dependent upon them.  Assertiveness skills enable you to uphold unpopular management decisions, put forth and take credit for brilliant ideas, and work out agreeable terms with the toughest negotiators.  Corporate captains do not reach their positions with passive behavior.

When you speak to the man in black about taking his proper place in line, whose side is everyone else in line going to take, yours or his?  In your efforts to stand up for your rights and the rights of others, assertive behavior is a quality that everyone admires.